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|Sunday, March 14th, 2004|
|Saturday, March 13th, 2004|
|Belief test again!
I was talking on a email list about the Beliefnet test, so I thought I should take it again to see how I've changed in almost 2 years (see post from 7/29/2002). Here's what I got this time.
1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Reform Judaism (96%)
3. Orthodox Quaker (95%)
4. Orthodox Judaism (92%)
5. Liberal Quakers (90%)
6. Islam (89%)
7. Unitarian Universalism (84%)
8. Bahá'í Faith (81%)
9. Sikhism (79%)
10. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (71%)
And the bottom 5:
23. Neo-Pagan (48%)
24. New Age (47%)
25. New Thought (47%)
26. Taoism (35%)
27. Nontheist (34%)
Well, I'm not so not-Catholic any more, and I'm not as Jewish either. Probably has something to do with how I've changed as a result of both living in CA and reading Tolstoy's "Gospel in Brief". The results weren't THAT different though.
|Wednesday, March 10th, 2004|
Before I post this, I must say that after typing this whole thing, I almost didn't post it. Do I really want everyone to know this kind of detail about our relationship's issues? Am I breaking anyone's privacy by talking about all of this?
The answer is yes, so I've decided not to post the gigantic, long post I wrote. I have, however, sent it to Erica directly. I have too much respect for myself and for her to air our dirty laundry here.
All of you who know me well already know the truth about who I am as a person, and you do not need to hear detailed accounts of events in my relationships to figure that out. Everything I do I do out of love and respect for those close to me. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
Well, I just read Erica's journal (corky6921). Something inside made me check it today.
As you can see, it's been a little rough lately. I've never been so hurt by anything or anyone before. Erica broke my trust by doing the single thing that could hurt me the most. She knew it would hurt me but disregarded my feelings in favor of her own. That decision was very shallow, selfish, and to me morally disgusting. It is crystal clear to me that this new relationship of hers is a rebound for both of them and is doomed to failure. I think she knew that though. She was looking for an out, for somewhere else to distract her heart from the truth. That truth may no longer be so, but I'm not sure.
What I have learned through this is that I have phenomenal friends that truly care for me as I do for them. I wouldn't trade them for the world, and I'm grateful for everyone that has helped me through this. I am managing very well and in fact this past week and a half has been VERY good for my personal emotional health. I've been doing things that I didn't do when I was with Erica, and I'm a happier person because of it. I feel good, and I feel empowered.
I have realized is that I don't absolutely need a "significant other" right now. I am a strong, confident, loving, and giving person, and people who know me know that. Of course, I found out a long time ago that my purpose in life is "love". It sounds simple and cliche, but it's actually quite difficult and damaging. Pretty much everyone wants a companion, and God knows I definitely do. But I won't do so at the expense of my heart.
I love my friends, and if Erica wants to be friends again (and maybe more some time in the future.. can't rule it out completely), then she will have to show me she means it. I don't mean through feelings - I mean through actions. I'm tired of being the one to chase after her and beg for her to let us stay together and keep trying. During our big fight, one of the big things she said was that she was tired of trying. I'm guessing that's not true any more. One time, back in high school, I went to see the musical Damn Yankees. There is an applicable song for this, only flip the genders: http://www.golyr.de/songtext_109632.htm
I don't want to sound like I'm making an ultimatum here, but I think I am entitled to one. First, before I explore something new with Erica, this other person has to be out of her life. Second, she must revise her definition of "success" into one that more closely matches mine, which has nothing to do with a business. Third, we would be starting from square one, and she would have to convince me to trust her again. It would be hard, I'm sure, but I have to see real, true effort and a certain amount of suffering in order to believe this is right.
In the past, I've always been the one to put forth the effort. I was in it to make her happy, but unfortunately, so was she. This has to change if we are even to have a friendship. I'm very giving, and I realize that makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of. What I'm not willing to accept is that it means someone can trample me and I'll sit back and take it. I won't.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her. After being best friends for so long, one becomes accustomed to having someone that close. I've been worried and anxious about her since the first night. I had been so involved in her life (although apparently not invited to one section..) before, that when it's gone, I feel like something is missing.
Another thing. It came out during our fight that there was only one thing she regretted about the whole ordeal. If that has not changed, then I have no reason to invite her back into my life. I will not stand for that kind of dishonestly and betrayal.
I have some friends that will probably try to kill me for even talking to her again, but I hope they will understand that I need one of 2 things: true closure, or the beginning of something infinitely better than what was.
So, Erica, if you read this and the above "ultimatum" and decide you want to make this commitment: that you want to change how you live, how you make decisions, and how you love people and yourself, then IM or email me. We'll get together somewhere neutral and decide then if it is worth continuing.
|Saturday, August 17th, 2002|
|welcome back, sis :)
I just had a really wonderful, long conversation with friend of mine. (She is girl number one in the list from the last post.) She is so great :) She's the sister I never had, and it's perfectly clear to us what kind of relationship we have. It is now so gross of a thought that we ever tried to go out! We can be open with each other and talk about anything and everything without worrying about being pushed away. We really tied up some loose ends and established what "we" means for us. Now, we just have to convince our parents that we will not EVER end up married, and all 4 of them just need to get over it ;) She and I do have one of those unbreakable bonds though. It's great. :)
She's coming down tomorrow afternoon, so we'll have a chance to talk some more then. Yes, mom, we'll probably be in my room with the door shut. We're freakin adults, and practically related! I'd never do anything horny-like with her. How wrong that would be!
Well, it's late now, so I'd better get to bed. Have lots of stuff to do tomorrow :) Current Mood: rejuvenated
|Monday, August 12th, 2002|
|"the one" concept
Well, I think I've figured out something, and it's a departure from my normal state of mind.
There are many people who can be a perfect match for a person. It just depends on where and when, and a certain x factor. I can probably count 5 women that I could have had perfectly great relationships with and possibly even married. Most of the time, it's women I hadn't even considered, but then decided (usually WAY after the opportunity had come and gone), "You know, we could have had a great time going out together." Here, I'll even let you in on a few of them:
First crush was a girl from church. I was obsessed, probably to the point of being unhealthy about it, but tell that to an 8th grader ;) The attraction was always there in the back of my mind, and truthfully still is to some extent. It's more of a brother/sister feeling I have now, and I hope we can still have a close relationship. Actually, we did go out for a little while, but I found out we weren't nearly as compatible as I thought we were. I'm betting, had I not gone to the academy, she and I would have been great.
Next person I should have asked out was one of my best friends in high school. She was way too cool and popular though. Plus, I always told her about my (see above) obsession, and she teased me about it. I've talked to her a few times in the past year, and it seems we still get along really well. Probably should have at least tried.
3rd, the person I am fully committed to right now. Luckily, I didn't have to make the first move on this one ;) Still, we're working on the 3rd or 4th time as an official couple, and we've been through a lot together. From this point on, there is no one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with.
4th, girl from my college town. Of course, one of my best friends there had the hots for her, and she was still in high school. Not the best of circumstances, but get this.. she even told me once that, had I asked, she would have went out on a date with me. I was amazed! But hey, she's caught herself a great guy now, so more power to her :)
5th, I really can't say. I'm afraid that situation is in for some tough times, and I care too much for the people involved to say anything about it. All I can say is I hope everyone makes the right decisions. But anyway, had I known her "back in the day", we would have at least been good friends.
Ok, so there's 5. ;) So see, I understand how people can go out with someone for a long time only to find out that the person is not "the one". Not because someone else is "better", but because it just doesn't work out.
You could "what-if" yourself to death on missed opportunities, but it's not going to help anything. If you are in love with someone now, and it looks like you have a future, by all means pursue it! If you're already emotionally close to one person, it's not worth hurting them to start new with only a hope that the new relationship will work at all. If you decide that what you have now is not working, make sure you can still say that WITHOUT putting the new love interest in the equation. And if you do break up, wait a while before going to someone else. It really hurts to be dumped because of another person who is seemingly "better".
I guess what I'm saying is, sure, there might have been equally compatible people out there, but you didn't choose any of them. You chose who you have, and perhaps more importantly, they chose you. Try to concentrate on what made you fall in love with them in the first place, because ultimately feeling those feelings again is what will keep you together.
Grant Current Mood: thoughtful
|Monday, July 29th, 2002|
I just found out I should be a Reformed Jew by taking this quiz
1. Reform Judaism (100%)
2. Bahá'í Faith (92%)
3. Orthodox Judaism (91%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (88%)
5. Islam (86%)
6. Liberal Quakers (86%)
7. Sikhism (84%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
9. Jainism (73%)
10. Mahayana Buddhism (65%)
23. Taoism (40%)
24. Nontheist (38%)
25. Seventh Day Adventist (35%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (33%)
27. Roman Catholic (33%)
/me is not a Catholic. No suprise there!!
I'm going to refrain from stating all my religious opinions, but if you look at the description
for Reform Judaism, it's pretty much spot on.
Crap, it's late. Gotta work tomorrow (bleh).
Grant Current Mood: peaceful
|Thursday, July 25th, 2002|
|vegas is "eh", friends rock
I'm back from Las Vegas (was on Tuesday, but haven't posted til now). Man, what a weird city. I haven't decided if I really want to go back. It's really an all-or-nothing place when it comes to how you feel there. If you win lots of money, I'm sure it's great. If you don't, it's sorta depressing. Heck, it's depressing anyway! It's so glitzy and fake, and so many people spend all their money hoping to win a jackpot instead of spending (or saving) their money more wisely. The look of blah-ness on the faces of people playing slots endlessly was quite disturbing. I guess I could admire their persistence tho. *shrug*
I only gambled $100-150, which isn't bad for 2 days. The rest of the money I spent was on food:
*Red Square in Mandalay Bay - good food, slick waiters, and great martinis
*"Top of the World" on the Stratosphere tower - awesome prime rib and lobster, awesome view of the sunset and all the lights coming to life
...and clothes. I got a nice outfit from a boutique in the (fancy) mall near the strip. Pants are German, and as such are a weird size, translated to 36/37. Perfect fit :) More than I've ever paid for clothes, but they fit me very well and I feel good in them. Hopefully I'll have a few occasions to wear them ;)
I also had a sort of awakening when I got back. Don't know why, but I suddenly realized just how much I have in life. I have lots of friends who care about me, even though I don't get to see any of them as often as I would like, including ones that live in this town. I know if I just had time to spend with a few of them, I know we would strike up a long-lasting, deep friendship, but circumstances prevent that. I know I love the feeling that I've touched someone's life in a good way, and I hope my friends know they have touched me. Whether it's a hug when I'm down, or a slap in the face when I need one, I can always count on them to tell me what I need to hear. It helps me sort out my feelings and brings some balance to my life. I love you guys. If any of you need anything, know I'm here for you too!
On the "significant other" front, I am still very optimistic. On the trip, we made some significant strides, even though we brought some new issues to light as well. I know Erica and I will be together. The only question is when. I know some people will advise against it, but part of that is my fault. I was always quick to bitch about her, but rarely did I tell them how much love we have for each other. People make mistakes and hurt people without meaning to. I've done it to her too, and I'm sorry for that. Right now, we are trying to build up trust in each other, and that takes time and effort. We, individually, have different areas of ourselves to work on, and I know I will do so. The love we have is so strong I can barely stand it, and I don't know where I would be without it.
Well, it's getting late. I think I still have jet lag or something, because I'm just a tired person every morning! I would work 2nd shift if I didn't like watching TV or talking to my friends. ;)
Grant Current Mood: thankful
|Saturday, July 20th, 2002|
|been a while!
I haven't updated for so long, so I am now. :)
Erica and I both decided it would be stupid to trash an entire friendship over what happened. I'm still going to meet her in Las Vegas for her birthday tomorrow, and we'll have fun this weekend. No matter what, I love her. It's something I can't get rid of if I try, and as such I must embrace it.
Basically, we both still want "more than a friendship", but it's just impossible right now. With credit to Patty Smyth (oh, the 80s.. *sigh*), Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
(don't think all the lyrics apply, but the title does). If we lived near each other, I don't think she'd have any trouble being devoted to me and to making "us" work. I never bought the "LDRs never work" thing, but now since I've experienced it, it's true. In any case, we both have things we need to do before we can be together. I'm almost positive it will happen someday, but I don't know when, or what will happen between now and then.
And to tell you the truth, it doesn't bother me. Maybe I'm a sucker for delayed gratification. Maybe I'm going to be a suit (as my TSU friends call me) and long-range planning is my thing. I don't like taking risks on a whim, but I will if I can see positive results both now and later. I'm afraid if I rush into things with Erica without knowing for sure that we are BOTH 100% committed to being together and living FOR each other, then the heartache afterward will be more than I could bear. Right now, I don't think either of us can commit to anyone at that level, so we're not ready. Once I commit to something, I am there for good or bad, and I expect the same from other people involved. So far I know that I love her and I want to be her best friend, so I will carry that out as much as I can.
Oh, and another thing I found out about myself. I'm an empathizer. Somehow I can rationalize everyone else's decisions, and that makes it really hard to pass judgement on anyone. Is that good or bad? I guess it's good, as long as people can see that in me and therefore realize that I can be trusted with anything. At the same time though, it means I can't ever say "fark you, you farking farker!" and push someone I really loved completely out of my life to save my own heart and my own sanity. I stick around, and sometimes get hurt in the process, but I know that in the end the pros will outweigh the cons. If not, oh well. It's better than being shallow and superficial. Once I feel a real connection between myself and someone else, and I feel it back, then it's pretty much there for good. I only see my TSU friends once a month or so, and it's like I never left. It's great, and I love them!
I sometimes wish I had gone into Psych instead of computer stuff, but then I remember that I wouldn't be able to distance myself from my clients' problems. I would try to relax, only to think of ways to work out the issues. Sorta like programming, only way more complex!
Enough about me and my thoughts ;)
I went to the Dayton air show today! It was fun, despite baking in the 90+ degree sun all day. Saw some crazy people pull massive Gs on their bodies. The A-10 demo was awesome, and the F-15 one was too. Of course, since the whole goal was to demonstrate American military superiority, the inherent propoganda-ness was kind of annoying. So goes the "war against terra
" (the Earth? Go GW! *sarcasm*).
It's off to Las Vegas in the morning. Hopefully we can stay inside most of the time, because being hot
sucks! I'm planning on having a little more to drink than I usually do, so we'll see how I handle that ;) Barfing is the worst thing in the world though, so I'm not going that far, no way!
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I was in Indy all last week taking a SQL 2000 Admin training class (2072). That thing is a beast, but now I at least know that our SQL server is totally messed up. Now that I know that, I have to fix it without "breaking" how clients connect and that kind of thing. I have lots to do next week between that and just the normal stuff I missed out on. OT baby!
That's it for now. Hope everyone's weekends are going great!
Grant Current Mood: busy
|Friday, July 5th, 2002|
|I knew there was a reason to keep this song around..
Blessid Union of Souls
Light in Your Eyes
I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free
I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in hell or heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all
There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
And a song in the words that you spoke to me
Was I wrong to believe in your melody
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me
Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong
There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me Current Mood: peaceful
|Thursday, July 4th, 2002|
(Warning, long post)
So here's what happened. Let me give you some background first.
Our relatiionship has been (for lack of a better word) plagued with sexual desire. I've been able to control it because of one simple thing: patience. I've always known that sex with her has to wait until the right moment, when both of us have ALREADY placed our hearts in each others hands and dedicate ourselves to each other. For most people, that would be a willingness to marry. Obviously, that's not going to happen now.
Every time I visit her, I feel pressure to have sex. I know she wants it, but I never yet felt that it would be for the right reasons. I wanted it too, because I thought it would be the most loving experience either one of us had ever had. But, to me, it was never the right time to "add" that to our relationship. She thinks I have this "ew, sex" feeling, when quite the opposite is true. I value sex so highly that I'm not willing to experience it unless I know it will be a LOVING experience, and one that can continue being a pure loving experience without end.
I was ready. We're going to Las Vegas in under 3 weeks, and I was ready. She doesn't believe me, but I was going to give her my virginity there. I always told her I couldn't promise that I would, but I was pretty sure. Apparently that wasn't enough. She "needed a release".. not then, but NOW. Everything is always NOW. Maybe anticipating sex with me made her really just anticipate sex, period, so she had to get what she wanted (of course), and she had to have it NOW (of course).
So, a friend of hers came over to hang out and watch movies and stuff. I thought he was harmless. The impression I got was that they just sorta hung out and did normal friend stuff. They used to work together a year ago. I really don't think either of them had any intentions of anything. Man, I was so naive. Somehow, after spending all that time together, he never knew about me. She never thought to stop and tell him "you know, I have a relationship with someone else". No, she felt a need to basically create proof that we weren't right for each other because of her own doubts and fears, and she did so by sleeping with this guy. There was no love involved. There was no future involved. Both of them just needed to "release", so they did. (She asked me not to reveal any private details, and I don't think I have.) Most people have felt a need for sex without emotions attached. Whatever works for them. Apparently, I'm in the minority for demanding that sex is an extension of love that only occurs after a certain level of love, desire, and permanence is reached.
I am confronted with the fact that she can disconnect the feelings of her heart from the act of sex, to the point of throwing away anything that could have happened between us. She put the immediate gratification of heartless sex BEFORE the near definite possibility of having a life of endless love with me, starting 6 months from now. Just the ability to do that indicates to me that she is NOT the right person to emotionally invest myself in, and I will NOT continue to do that.
She says she just didn't believe me that I was ready to commit to her (by having sex), yet at the same time that readiness to commit (that doesn't exist?) scared her and she ran from it. I hope she realizes that I'm not going back this time. This was the last straw, and I will NEVER let my heart get that close to her again. I know it sounds evil, but I hope she feels pain that it's gone, and I hope it makes her think about the long term, not just the NOW.
Apparently nothing I could have ever done would make me good enough for her. I poured my entire soul into her. I did everything I could possibly do to convey my love, but it wasn't enough. She says if I lived there, it would have been totally different. I think this still would have come up, only I would have been even MORE crushed because we would be more "involved". I would have given up everything and everyone I knew in Indiana and totally changed my life for her.
There is still someone else that she loves more than me (I'm not going to say who), and I had been trying and trying to be better than him. IMHO, it doesn't seem that hard to do. I didn't like him, and I think he's not a very good person at all. But for some reason, the remote chance of ever getting back with him totally destroys any desire she had for me. I feel worthless to her because of this. She says she loves me just as much, only differently. Well, all I can say is I tried.
I guess I'm glad it's over now instead of later. I can't say I like what happened, but in a way I'm relieved. I can now take that stress out of my life and once again be living my life for ME, not for US. I can now get off the emotional roller coaster and be who I want to be. No more defending Indiana. No more defending my entire family. No more defending my patience and contentment. I'm happy with where I am in life, so there. I'm happy because I know that the choices I'm making now are to ensure future happiness, even if it means temporary discomfort. The happiness that I'm waiting for totally eclipses any negatives about where I am now. I have a long-term view, and I'm willing to put up with some shit for a while if it means reaching the epitome of happiness later.
She's lost something that I don't know if she'll ever find again. Part of me wants her to find someone even better, and be totally completely happy with him. Part of me wants her to wander around making bad choices until she realizes that I'm the only one with true love for her, but by then it will be too late for her. My love for was (is?) pure, and I finally was ready to share that with her. Now she will never see that side of me, something that I know she and I both wanted very badly.
Most females that know me know I'm not a "typical" male. When I'm friends with a girl/woman, she knows that I have feelings and I'm not afraid to be emotionally involved in some way. Perhaps that means wearing my heart on a sleeve, but in any case I always feel a need to love people. I have such a hard time hating anyone at all. Ask anyone that really knows me. They know that every action I take is only taken after careful, emotional, and usually rational evaluation.
She'll be here next weekend. We were going to get together on Sunday. I'm not sure if I can do that. She says she loves me, and she wants to cuddle up to me and feel that love. Well, ya know, that's too bad. My love comes with an understanding and a commitment that was just violated, so she may not get to feel that from me any more. Unfortunately, I already have $220 tied up in a plane ticket to LV, so I sorta have to go. On the plus side, I hope that trip will let us set a direction for our relationship, whatever that may be. There will be times on the trip that I will just wander off by myself, and she'll have to deal with it. I need some time alone after this.
No more sleeping in the same bed. No staring into each other's eyes. No more happy glances from across the room. And most importantly, no more of my heart. It's mine now, again, and I now have to guard fiercely from the one person I want(ed?) the most to let in.
I don't know of anyone else I would even date right now, and that's fine. I don't need to have a girlfriend. If I were to be interested in someone, it would only come after being really good friends first, then figuring out that there is more. That takes time to develop, and since it will be better than anything I have ever felt for anyone before, I am willing to sit back, relax, and be myself until then.
So in an instant, my future is once again clouded. I'm not moving to California in January like I thought I was going to. I'm not going to have perfect, loving sex in 2 weeks like I thought I was going to. And most importantly, I'm not going to marry my best friend who I love more than anyone else. At this point, I don't know where I'm headed. That's ok, because I know I will find someone who will have the same love for me as I have for them, and I won't have to settle for second-best.
I'll probably still be friends with her, but I'll constantly be trying (in vain) to be as least emotionally involved as possible. She'll feel that, and it won't feel right, but that's how it has to be from now on.
Thanks to all my friends who have shown concern and interest in where I was headed. It turns out that as sure as I thought I had found "the one", I was wrong. I know you guys will always be there for me even if I make bad decisions. Please though, if you can tell I'm making one, don't be afraid to tell me. ;)
You know what, it's her loss.
Grant Current Mood: drained
Life? Uh, yeah, make a U-turn at the next intersection.
Yeah. Great. Thanks.
(details to come later when I'm not so upset) Current Mood: crushed
|Sunday, June 30th, 2002|
|Religious Ponderance of the day + other stuff
If sin exists and be committed by anyone who knows better, and God can do anything and knows everything, then can God sin? If not, there are 2 possible conclusions.
Either God can sin and is therefore fallible, or God cannot sin and sin (as we define it) does not truly exist. I'm betting that God would not condemn a loving person to Hell for one act (that they are truly sorry for).
Unforgivable sin?? Please... God can forgive anything that anyone has done, period.
Sure, if you have done a few things that you knew were wrong and didn't even feel sorry for any of it, then you're a dick, and God knows it. God will take that into consideration during your "performance evaluation".
I believe the concept of sin was created to keep people from hurting each other, mostly wrt emotions. Basically it's a big no-no list that is generally obvious to people with morals and values. Don't kill people, don't fark your neighbor's wife, don't steal stuff, yada^3. Duh.
If God loves people unconditionally, then the condition of "sinful" cannot be used as criteria for eternal damnation. I believe in a loving God that KNOWS if you are truly sorry for any act you KNEW was wrong, or came to know was wrong. Only premeditated, obviously wrong acts could be considered a true flaw. Will God send people to hell? Yes, if they're dicks and like it.
A connected topic: the death penalty. Some say "fry the bastard", some say "let God get rid of him". I don't know what is right. I think life imprisonment, with no frills, would be best. I'm talking not cleaning toilets, serving only the minimum food requirements, no sunlight, dirt, rats, whatever. If you take a life on purpose, yours is suddenly worthless. If you finally come to your senses about what you've done and convince God that you are sorry, then you can only pray he'll get you out of the hellhole prison, let you die peacefully in your sleep, and allow you into heaven.
Anyway, how cheery was that! ;)
In other news, this is "shutdown week" at work, which means I get to spend lots of time on windowsupdate.microsoft.com on every server. I also get to order $4500 worth of Dell laptops to replace a P200 and a P233. Plus, I get to install $8300 worth of 3Com networking equipment. Purchasing lady is probably tired of seeing me! I'm sure there are lots of other things too, but in any case it'll be fun. I get to sleep in a bit too :)
Oh, and I'm in love! *waves*
Grant Current Mood: quixotic
|Tuesday, June 25th, 2002|
Long! You are warned...
For like 3 days, I was so elated. I felt like nothing could bring me down. And I was fine until this morning.
I woke up to find a message basically reinforcing her stance that marijuana isn't bad... Ok, so call me conservative, but I have NO desire to even try it. It's just like cigarettes. I don't personally know the effects of them, but I couldn't care less. I don't believe in "don't knock it til you've tried it" because in my various experiences, I know I can KNOW how or what something is without ever actually doing it. One time she smoked it when I was there, trying to get me to join in. I didn't, and she got sorta pissed about it. How about respecting my decision, even if you don't agree? I obviously didn't stop her...
If all pot does is make you hungry and lazy and relaxed, then it doesn't appeal to me one bit. I'm like that all the time! I don't need to rely on something that is harmful to my body (no one can dispute the respiratory effects.. it's smoke, just like any other smoke) just to veg out. I am generally a laid back & patient person.
There is so much research left to be done about marijuana, and if I had to make a bet, I would say that if anything, it'll be a wash. If there are found to be medical benefits, there will also be medical consequences, and it will just have to be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.
Marijuana might not be physically addictive, but it can easily become psychologically addictive. It's the same as nose-picking or fingernail-biting in that respect.
For me, the potential benefits of marijuana don't outweigh the potential consequences, so I have chosen not to use it. As for other people, I'm not totally on board with "it's my body, I'll do what I want with it". People that live their life by this statement don't understand the effects their actions (and even their thoughts about themselves) have on people that care about them.
When one makes a philosophical decision like this, after considering the results, it makes one believe that the decision is "right". This kind of thing also occurs in the premarital sex and underage drinking arguments. There are lots of reasons people are on either side of these issues, and there is no one right answer. However, your decisions on these are based on the experiences you have or know about. Since everyone has a different set of knowledge, they have different opinions.
My opinions on:
Premarital sex - I think it's ok IFF 1) you both love each other, 2) you are committed to each other, and 3) you are upfront and honest about your sexual history, including STDs, abortions, # of partners and such. I am still a virgin, and while not proud in a boastful sense, I am perfectly content with that fact. I am waiting until I am certain, "beyond a reasonable doubt", that she is "the one" and we are ready and willing to spend the rest of our lives together. Divorce sucks, and I can't even BEGIN to imagine how terrible it must feel for all involved.
Underage drinking - I violated that law maybe 5 times, with a max of 2 drinks on each occasion. Again, just like marijuana, there is a risk involved. Oh, and I hate throwing up.. can't stand it. Even now that I'm 21, I don't drink that often, maybe once every 2 weeks, and again with a 2-drink max. I don't see the sense in getting totally drunk. Yeah, yeah, lose your inhibitions, feel free to do what you want blahblah... I'd rather be able to control myself. I really don't think high-school-age kids can handle alcohol. I've seen enough aftermaths to know that.
Basically, when it comes to personal freedoms, I think you should be able to do what you want without adversely affecting others. If you get a second DUI, the courts should lock you up for a month, at least. IMHO, you get one chance when you risk other peoples lives like that. Do it again, and you'll feel the consequences. I have little or no tolerance for that kind of disrespect for others, especially when it's all done on the basis of "whatever, whatever, I do what I want!". Sometimes I wish I was involved in politics so I could make people more accountable than they have to be these days.
I'm not going to force anyone to change their ways based on what I feel, only consider what I have to say and why, and consider how their decisions effect me (if there is relationship of some sort between us, be it friend or family or whatever).
I have a feeling most of this entry will piss you off Erica. But you know what, it's how I feel. I guess one reason I was so depressed today is that we can't accept each other's views on "hot" topics such as these. Perhaps we have grown up in different environments, or perhaps you have moved away and become "enlightened" by that experience. Whatever it is, there are lots of issues we need to come to an agreement on or they will ALWAYS haunt us and be brought out in totally unrelated arguments, just to rouse an emotional response. I'm not saying we have to totally agree, maybe just agree to disagree. But whatever it is, I can't completely plan a future with you if something as "little" as pot makes us SO upset.
I've seen that in your eyes, that total "I hate you and you are wrong" feeling. It happened during the "glass ceiling" argument. I could tell it happened today during the pot argument. It happened many many times at the Academy. I can't remember all the topics, but I remember the feeling. That feeling cannot exist with us if we are to have a future together as a couple.
Though all of this, whether you believe me now or not, I love you, more than anything else in this world. You have touched my soul in ways I didn't think existed. I am lucky to have found someone like you amongst all these billions of people. I relinquish some of my coveted control-of-self by making this statement: I don't know what I would do with my life if you weren't in it.
I'll leave you all with a thought to ponder. "Sometimes opening one's mind actually means closing the door on decision."
Grant Current Mood: discontent
|Saturday, June 22nd, 2002|
Stupid people.. calling my house in the AM hours of Saturday! Like I'm going to be up! Guess I don't get to sleep in too much today huh...
Oh well, I have lots to do today anyway. Current Mood: annoyed
|Wednesday, June 19th, 2002|
I can't believe it. I am so in love. It's so real it's surreal. I've found "the one". I'm only freaking 21! This is way too early to be so ready to "settle down" or whatever, but it's beyond my control, and I don't think I want to control it like that. I will never feel the same way about anyone else, period. Sure, we have our differences, and most I have known about for a long time. I'm willing to accept those differences and maybe sacrifice some of my own ideals in the process. That's what building a relationship is all about. We'll both have to learn to be a little less indignant.
I just need some real time with her to really look into her eyes and KNOW that it's right. Man, I love doing that :) Current Mood: embarrassed
|Tuesday, June 18th, 2002|
|posting a lot today!
I made it in the 3 CPT classes. Since I had "section authorization" for the full CPT class, the director had the registrar add me anyway. :)
On a bad note, the Calc head said no to the independent study (no surprise.. heard he wasn't too agreeable anyway). And the time window between the Indy class in Fall and the Columbus class is 15 minutes shorter than I had thought. I'd have 30 minutes to haul my arse from downtown Indy to Columbus.. My guess is it's really 45 mins, so I'd have to get one instructor to be lenient.Update!
The Columbus was in fact moved to 7:45. Good.
More as the story develops!
Grant Current Mood: annoyed
Ok, I got option 3 all worked out :) Air show with the family on Saturday, Vegas with Erica from Sunday - Tuesday.
Plane ticket is purchased!
Grant Current Mood: satisfied
|college is farking me over
First I try to take Calc II in the summer in Indy, but the class is full. So I have to beg the math chair to do an independent study with me either this summer or in the fall. Then I try to register for fall in Columbus, and the last computer technology class I want to take is "closed" (aka full). So I'm on the wait list for that one. I need to BEG my advisor (dept chair luckily) to open a 2nd section for that class. I just get this sinking feeling that I won't be able to get that degree in the next semester. I'll be TWO classes away from the degree...
IUPU has conspired against me! argh!!
Grant Current Mood: aggravated
Ok, so I have to make a decision. The weekend of the 19th-20th, I have to basically choose between my mom and my (for lack of a better term, although not official) gf. My parents have already made plans for that Friday/Saturday to go to the Dayton air show, which my dad has talked about for a long time but we just never made it there. That Sunday is Erica's 21st b-day, and she has always had a dream of going to Las Vegas for that. I am forced to choose between the 2 most important females in my life.
Here's the phone conversation with mom:
G: "What are we doing that weekend?"
M: "Well, I've got hotel reservations for friday night and tickets for the Dayton air show on Saturday."
M: "Why, what were you wanting to do?"
G: "Well, it's Erica's 21st birthday that weekend, and she wants to Las Vegas, and I was going to go with her."
M: "Oh gosh... that's just a decision you're going to have to make."
Ok, I know what that means in female-talk!!
Here are the options:Option 1
Ditch the family and go to Vegas with Erica Saturday through Tuesday.
Result - frustated mother, maybe father too, happy EricaOption 2
Ditch Erica and go with the family to the air show on Saturday.
Result - totally pissed Erica, happy parentsOption 3
Go to the air show on saturday and make my Las Vegas trip from Sunday through Tuesday, but that would make it a day shorter than it could have otherwise been.
Result - satisfied parents, hopefully satisfied Erica
If Erica will go for it, option 3 is probably the best solution. It would still give us 2 full nights of partying, which is basically equivalent to a whole 3-day weekend. I would get there at 2:15pm on Sunday and not leave until 3:45pm on Tuesday. Another benefit is that Erica will be "legal" for the entire trip, and we won't have to deal with that issue at all.
I have to keep on Mom's good side if she's going to be ok with Erica and I in general (which is something I want to happen). But I also have to keep on Erica's good side because I'm totally in love with her. I can't just pick one of them and drop the other...
I guess I have to sort of wean my parents off me. I asked a couple people at work what I should do, and they both said to go to Vegas, because there's only one chance for that. If I can do both, I want to do both. I might be able to go through Wednesday too if I wanted. I only have a week of vacation left, but there's always stuff I could do after hours to make up the time.
Anyway, what do you think I should do?
Grant Current Mood: distressed